Wanting a "Healing Timeframe" vs. Knowing There's No Arrival Point?

[Evelyn K]

Hey all,

After watching the illuminating Reparenting classes, I wrote down a list of my old patterns and wounds I want to clear and heal. To be honest, a part of me wishes that I'll "get there" (be "fully healed" / embody my Higher self) after I check off everything on my checklist. But I'm also aware that ascending is a continual process.

So here I am wondering, "how do I reconcile my desire for wholeness with my knowing that there isn't a point when I will have" arrived"? Or if I'm totally off the mark and an event like this exists, please let me know, lol!

Can any of you relate to this experience? If you'd like to share, how are you going about understanding it?

Evelyn

[Becky]

Hi Evelyn, I can really relate to the experience of duality that you are expressing here. Like I can *say* I think I am perfect just as I am, but I only really fully BE-lieve it maybe 20-30% of the time. But y'know, that's more than it used to be. /wry smile/ So it can be helpful to me to think of it like learning anything else. There are stages of growth and plateaus of integration. Physicists tell us that we obsess over the future, but *in reality* we actually have just as much ability to influence the past from our current/present actions as we have to influence the future. That's so wild to me to think about. I hear these stories of people who say "Oh and one day my kundalini spontaneously awakened and my third eye opened and......" they have this very detailed experience, and there's a part of me that would like to have that too. And I've had more subtle versions of that kind of experience, and I like it being subtle. It feels integrated. I saw your post yesterday and I've been ruminating over it, and then this morning I was reading Pema Chodron ("The Places That Scare You") where she's talking about the path of the bodhisattva, the compassion warrior, which I do consider to be part of my own path. So *for me* this relates to the practice of being willing to enter challenging situations, to train in the middle of the fire, to train in a practice of cutting through personal reactivity and self-deception in "a dedication to uncovering the basic undistorted energy of bodhichitta." (where bodhichitta is this very raw and tender unconditional knowing/accepting/loving) Pema says "Many of us prefer practices that will not cause discomfort, yet at the same time we want to be healed. But [this training/this practice] doesn't work that way." We have to be willing to continue to extend and extend again out to the limits of our comfort zone, and then beyond....and again. So, one way I do this is with 40-day practices. (or whatever time frame works for you). I keep a little log and mark the days off and this really satisfies the part of me that wants to see PROGRESS TO THE GOAL. (ha) And then I give myself some juicy reward (actually with a 40-day practice, I give little rewards at 11 days, 26 days, and then 40 days). So thanks for raising the subject. It was great food for thought and got me to pull out that book, for which I am grateful. Sat nam, Becky

[CierraMadison]

Thanks for your post Evelyn!

I actually feels reassuring that Im not the only one who feels that way at times. I can relate to just wanting someday (preferably very soon lol) to just be fully healed so I can move on to what's next or just so I don't feel like I'm having to deal with so many burdens so much of the time.

I've heard people tell stories of huge moments of awakening as well but it hasn't been my experience & I 1000% agree with Becky, I like the subtle integrative moments where I am just filled with so much joy/peace or clarity & I feel full and perfectly ok with simply being the present awareness that I am. They come (at least in my experience) more and more frequently over time.

I've just really had to accept that it isn't going to be a linear process for me & I'm actually pretty grateful for that bc it can feel so heavy to try to dig everything up, weed everything out, & totally clean up what has taken decades to compile into my personality. Or try this modality, that practice, & this other method of healing all at once.

And I'm glad Becky used the word duality bc that is the reality of this 3D dimension, but we also simultaneously exist outside of that. So I've had to shift from the either/or paradigm to the both/and paradigm because it can all be true at once. I feel like the truth is, we are all Being having a human experience. We are already whole. As we begin to heal our personalities, our bodies, our shadows, we peel back the layers that hinder us from seeing & feeling our wholeness. We will always oscillate between the two in different ways bc we live in this reality. It just becomes a matter of the proportion of time you spend on either side of it. Eventually it becomes less & less (just in my experience).

I hope you find ways to reconcile this dichotomy that work for you or maybe you actually will have a totally awakening experience- I'd love to hear about it!

Blessings.

[Evelyn K]

Thank you Cierra and Becky for your responses! :)