responding to gaslighting in collaboration with male friend

[MoonSun]

anyone have thoughts on this?

i'm collaborating with a very talented male friend--who has been a genuine friend, but in our working relationship there is a side of him I haven't experienced until now and he asks me gas lighting questions

the first one was in our very first conversation about working together again, he asked me had I "even collaborated with anyone else before". I was so taken aback by the doubt, for a second I believed him and was wondering, had I? And then WTF, I have an incredible, undeniable, provable history of fruitful collaborative experiences, way more than him. It was very upsetting and ungrounding.

The second one - we'd just had a great session of work and I was so excited about what we were creating, and in the next session, he accused me of wanting to quit. We collaborated together 7 years ago on a few projects, but the last one petered out and we mutually ended it. I stood up for myself, but it was a very draining conversation and I went to sleep for 3 hours after and postponed meeting with him to give me space.

We had a great meeting last thursday and were making really cool progress on our project till yesterday

Third and most recent - we're having a conversation about craft, and after expressing my opinion, he tells me he hasn't even seen any of my completed work. which is a lie and untrue. It's completely untrue. I felt crazy. He was one of the first people I showed my completed work to 7 years ago. I have a history of completed work. I was pulling up files because I was like, wtf are you even saying. I was very present, and I really stood up for myself, and he apologized. But at the end, he got congratulatory and said you did a great job defending your work.

When I left, I was really upset.

Does anyone have any ideas or words to use for this? Is this gaslighting?

[Sarah]

Yes. That is gaslighting (also, appropriately, called “crazy-making” because it makes you think you’re losing your mind). It’s an abusive tactic used to obtain power and control. I’m proud of you for standing your ground and speaking up about it here to others.

His “congratulating” you for doing so is also manipulative behavior. That’s one of the ways toxic people keep us around - when called out on their power games, they say they “weren’t trying to cause harm” or “I was just testing you” or “why don’t you just lighten up and get over it.” They come up with excuses for their behavior that project blame away from themselves.

You, in this situation, know what’s best for you in terms of setting boundaries, cutting cords, and breaking up. Some additional resources could be calling your local domestic abuse hotline or talking to a professional who has been trained to support people experiencing this kind of behavior from others. There’s so much nuance to it and when you’re in it, it can help to have an ally who sees this clearly and all the time.

You could also call on a friend in your life who can serve as a lighthouse for you through this and help you come up with a game plan. When someone is gaslighting you, it can help to have a “reality check” conversation with a designated ally. Gaslighting can cause you to start questioning the validity of your own perception of the world (you provided great examples of this above! And boy, have I been there, too!), and talking to a friend who always sees You as You can help remind you to keep trusting yourself and validate/reinforce your self-trust.

Context: former domestic abuse/sexual assault crisis counselor.

Sending you so very much love. Keep us updated!

Edited to add: details about asking friends for support <3

[MoonSun]

Thanks, Sarah, I always appreciate your replies so much (assuming it's the same sarah :) <3 )

He's one of my good friends and seems to be coming from an unconscious place, and I'm pretty sure there is something going on with him that I'm not aware of. Because it feels out of his nature and I don't think he is purposefully being manipulative or malicious. But it is a power thing.

For me, it is echoing a personal pattern "paper doll syndrome" of changing male faces but being confronted with gaslighting. I felt like I'd closed it when I quit my old job, but here it is again.

So I'm having to examine what this is mirroring to me.

On a personal level, I want to quit. Just quit and walk away without saying anything. But I think on a higher self level, I'm meant to talk it out with this particular friend and then quit--or we limit the scale of the project (it was meant to be long term), finish it in the next few weeks and move on.

[Sarah]

Lol I’ve never figured out how to make an account on this thing - a lil tech inept over here ;)

It sounds like you have an amazing plan and are feeling very clear now on how you’re being guided in this situation! That’s amazing!

My only additional tidbit to add, from experience and education, would simply be to keep staying present with yourself through this in terms of where to draw the boundary and step away. Remember the reality-checking in with friends thing. It can be such a challenge when the problem person is a friend and you see them (as we sensitives tend to see everyone, always, lol) as their absolute best and whole self, and as a person you love. When you know the person isn’t some kind of awful abuser, and actually they’re a great person most of the time, but right now they’re engaging in a harmful behavior.

This actually is a huge topic in bystander intervention education - it’s so challenging for us to see someone we know and love behaving in a harmful/toxic way, to the point where sometimes people don’t intervene or stand up for themselves/others because “that’s my friend, they wouldn’t hurt anyone!” And it’s a factor in why most sexual assaults are perpetuated by acquaintances.

Anyway, that’s a whole other rabbit hole, but I just mention it to say, you’re not alone in this, and it is, unfortunately, a super prevalent issue. Three cheers for bringing down the old paradigm, three cheers for the New Earth!!

You got this, babe. I’ll be thinking of you.