Needing support regarding queerphobia/racism

[ellie]

Hello all,

In the past, I have been active in activist communities that often were at the frontlines of protecting and advocating for sexual minorities. I'm a "straight woman", and I went into this work not to centre myself but because I struggled long with my own gender fluidity, and spiritual androgyny, and I wanted to make sense of these experiences by being part of the LGBTQ community. Unfortunately, as I have integrated these parts of myself and healed a lot, I find that my experience is either "repulsive" or completely beyond comprehension for a lot of people, especially people I'm trying to date -- who see me as broken/damaged as a result, and often feel like they choose "less complicated" people. I'm trying to navigate this from a energetic perspective, and if anyone has any tools for this, I'd really appreciate it. I am great at presenting myself as "normal", but my internal world feels anything but that -- and I'm scared of driving people, especially men, away, as I am trying to manifest a partner. I don't see myself as broken, but people once they hear my history, do feel a little judge-y. How do I feel okay about this moving forward?

[Greg]

Hi Ellie,

Firstly, thank you for having the courage to post something so vulnerable.  It takes a great deal of it to heal old wounds, reshape and recondition one's inner world, and prioritize one's sense of personal integrity over the normativized comfort of others.  It is hard enough for queer people to feel safe enough to navigate their way through different spaces in the world.  Our very existence demands this courage.

In my own spiritual journey, I have learned that the more aligned I am with my home frequency, the quicker potential mates who do not harmonize with me are filtered out of my life.  This is a wonderful gift!

Initially, however, I did not see it this way.  It actually frightened me because I thought there was something wrong with me.  My victimizing mind would create stories that I was somehow "undesirable," "unlovable," "unattractive," or "unworthy" of affection.  As I began to take my shadow work more seriously, I realized that these were outdated and overplayed messages from the past and had nothing to do with me or my present circumstances.  (I would highly recommend this modality in order to work through those feelings of "not being okay.)  Eventually, I came to understand that my choosing to be myself actually created space for authentic community and partnerships to form organically.  I am now experiencing the joy that comes from people choosing me because they love and accept me for who I am.

Know with all your heart that people who cannot accept you for who you are do not deserve to be in your life.  Fall in love with the loss that comes from choosing to unconditionally love and accept yourself.  Shine your light bright and never dim it for the sake of others' comfort.  Fortify your home frequency.  Become intimate with what your unique energetic signature feels like and memorize it in your body.  For me, 11 years of consistent Zen meditation (zazen) has helped to do this.  This is the modality that I am devoted to, and we can talk more about it if you're interested.  Of course, I trust that you will find the way that resonates with you most.

One other thing that has helped me is going to places that I am naturally drawn to.  These could range from art galleries, to swanky new coffee shops, to small, locally-owned bookstores, and, in general, spaces where I know queer/highly sensitive-intuitive people gather.  There, I have found potential suitors with similar interests and perspectives.  But regardless of the place, I know that nothing could substitute for me boldly radiating at my highest vibration at all times.  In this state, every encounter becomes synchronicity, and I trust that everything is happening as it should.