Oh yeah, big time. I too have faced an internal conflict with a desire to be in service. It's a strange concept because I like being helpful, and like being useful, but when I contextualize it as service walls come up. What has been helpful has been to interrogate what service means to me (which it sounds like what you've done too).
I realized that service to me felt like being responsible for other people. Going deeper I have realized that it triggers me because of some interesting childhood dynamics. I feel like the next steps, if service is a value I want to embody, is to learn to love that part of myself which felt resentful for having to be the responsible one. Also i may need to contextualize the word differently. Not sure what that looks/feels like though.
Yes this pinpoints it! The childhood frustration of being responsible for people when i needed care. Time to dive deeper into that! Thank you Wangui for sharing. I’m excited for what we both create in our quest to come into what service looks like for us.